Intelligent Technology

Remember, I recently told you that I’m someone amazed that car ferries and ocean going liners actually float, that ginormous passenger aircraft take to the air and other amazing things actually work although largely mystified as to how – mobile phones, www, computers, large Hadron Collider (as I write I believe they are still looking for the elusive Higgs!! For those that don't know I'm a Higgs, it's my surname!) and even small things like sand, cement and water combining to make a rock hard material that in our new house often seem to be just where you don’t want it and is immovable!!  

I was also excited earlier today to find out the front of our post box (in France most people have actual boxes on posts outside their houses sometimes at some distance) has been replaced and now our box also has a spring loaded flap to allow letters to be posted into it.  How, I hear you asking did letters get into the box previously, well M. ou Mme Postier have a key and previously had to open the door to put it post.  This did explain why, shortly after we came to France, I saw someone taking out a parcel that as near as damn it filled the 30 cm cubic box, usually with a 4 or 5 x 20ish cm slit.  At the time it was a little like a magic trick until I realised!  The excitement was somewhat short lived as our old key doesn’t fit and so we can’t at the moment get anything out – we can however now look through the spring loaded flap to see if there is anything in there that we can’t get out – maybe the key will come tomorrow, or sometime next week or month, well this is France!!

I suppose I’ve got to admit it, it’s a case of little things not only pleasing little minds but also amazing them!  Although, I suppose the www is pretty huge even if it’s not really there and the Hadron thingy is also immense, which could account for why the Higgs has found such a good hiding place!  Sorry, I’m in danger of getting carried away and this is only the introduction!  Actually the main purpose of this short piece is very short, so it is helping to pad it out a little!!

So, back to intelligent technology, the title of this blog post.  Some weeks ago sitting at the computer after a very busy day DIYing and I don’t know if it was obvious that I was well and truly kn----ed, perhaps it was something to do with the strength with which I was hitting the keyboard, but a friendly little message came up saying “your battery is coming to the end of its useful life!” Polite and friendly it might have been but on closer inspection potentially a little scary, so I slowed up a little hoping to recharge my battery a little, despite having to face increased nagging from “her indoors,” she just said you can’t believe all that you read!

Well, the self same message kept coming back, and try as I might to slow down and take things easy, it wouldn’t go away.  Then, it changed and as I put on my specs to slowly read the next message, hoping it was along the lines of “Well done your sensible work / life balance has improved your battery no end – keep up the good work!”  But no, it appears that all the energy conservation measures I had undertaken werea to no avail – it simply said in bold letters “YOUR BATTERY NEEDS CHANGING!”  I think I need a holiday!  Hear, hear I hear you say, but you won’t get rid of me that easily, I’ll be back next month!  

French Supermarket Toilets

vs English Supermarket Car Parks

It seems to me that competition between English and French supermarkets is rife and healthy, but as the title suggests it’s not about the price of fair trade teabags or wine, to name a couple of items dear to my heart, in each case one country wins hands down – I’ll leave you to decide which is which!!

No, the competition is more basic and involves which of the supermarkets on either side of The English Channel or La Marche, depending on which side of this narrow stretch of water you are reading this!!, wins the “RH Bizarre Design Award!” 

First, am I the only person to wonder on the issue of car park design for new English supermarkets?  They seem to always take the bulk of the customer traffic right past the main entrance, where people are either hurrying in to get that item they forgot or was out of stock, or rushing out having had their nerves stretched to breaking point by; empty shelves for many of the items you came in for, screaming parents threatening to “kill” their children if they don’t stop making an exhibition of themselves, constant colleague announcements, special offers that are more expensive than the regular priced item next door on the shelf and  multiple choice for a simple item like a jar of strawberry jar (with sugar / without, with fruit / without, own brand basic, own brand normal, own brand finest, this make or that make or that one or that one or that one ....).  In both scenarios all the customer wants to do is get out, get home and have a nice soothing cup of tea preferably full caffeine, washed down with a large tumbler of something stronger!  The last thing these unfortunate people will want to think about is the Green Cross Code!  But, it also works both ways and drivers trying to leave with their shopping, some of whom may be the self same people as above, will pay little heed to the Highway Code, particularly at busy times when there is a constant flow of people, both ways (many stressed – see above), crossing the zebra crossing across the main exit road and into and out of the main entrance to the shop. Surely, there must be another and better way to deal with all these fraught people!?!  

A further thought, it’s on a par with Fire Exit signs!  What’s the first rule for evacuating a burning building? DON’T RUN - Leave slowly in an orderly fashion through the marked Fire Exits – Marked with the regulation sign; a green arrow pointing to the escape route followed by a green man – RUNNING!

But now a quick hop over that thin stretch of water separating them and us, and all that water will no doubt have you running for a loo in no time after disembarkation, particularly as you will have been waiting uncomfortably in your vehicle (with at least one or two people who failed to understand the announcement, not to start you engine until told to do so), for some considerable time, maybe worrying about whether French customs will want to unpack your carefully stacked up car, that you have spent several hours jig-sawing together and have since added a number of last minute purchases such as sandwiches for lunch, duty free that isn’t now but still seemed a good buy, newspapers to gloat over and make you realise what you’re missing back home all of which will never go back in anything like you have managed to do it before.  But, just maybe you’re hiding an illegal immigrant or too many bottles of English wine!

Now, the first thing you see as you grind slowly through the oily urban sprawl that seems to surround all ferry terminals, is a big hypermarket, there predominantly for stocking up with wine and the more smelly cheeses on the way home, but handy for filling up with cheaper petrol (coming or going) and with a handy loo.  Now, not wishing to be sexist here, but I’m really only thinking about urinals and don’t want to get into the old argument, it’s alright for you, you can go behind any old hedge without having to bear your behind!  No, here we are talking about your average, modest UK MALE holiday maker fresh of the ferry and not yet relaxed enough to “when in Rome...” and wee anywhere, oui où vous voulez (yes wherever you like).

So, with great relief you’re standing there and suddenly you realise that the stall you are using is both right next to the lady’s cubicle and without the help of a modesty screen, as well as in full view of the main entrance / exit to the store with the outside coffee tables from the bar on the other side of the concourse, marching ever closer.  Until, you’ve acclimatised and you find this situation the length and breadth of France, even in brand new supermarkets with the most modern of conveniences, so you’ll have lots of practise, there’s a good chance you’ll need the hand drier not just for your hands!

I rest my cases and being democratic the voting is now over to you!

Other awards I’m inclined to present are “The Dyson Airblade Award,” presented by someone doing a Tommy Cooper impression “Like that, not like that!”  Sorry for those of you not old enough to remember Tommy Cooper or to understand the significance of this.  If that’s the case ask a grown up, or a wrinkly as I’ve heard you referring to them as!!  James has certainly come up with a winner this time, a hand drier that not only works efficiently, but for a fraction of the cost in electricity, the only snag I see is if you have recently arrived in France and are not yet acclimatised the gap between the blades is only wide enough for your hands!!

And, then there’s the ...... “Illogical Product Placement Award,” yes we’ve all awarded this one on numerous occasions!  Just why do managers insist that the tomatoes go with the veg and not the fruit!!!!!!!!!  Sorry about that, I’m just struggling to remember what it was that even the shop assistant who led me on the expedition to find said item went the long way around!  Whatever it was, it was on that shelf where they direct the customer when all else fails and  when you have already exhausted all the other possibilities and taken the despondent customer all around the obvious shelves they have already tried, and then these same people have got to get out of the shop across the main entrance / exit road and safely home!!!